Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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