You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
