Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
