It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
