I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
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