I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
