They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
