I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
A+ Viking dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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