Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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