Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
