Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
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