Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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