I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
