I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
