T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize
