Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I will pee on everything he values.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
