i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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