i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
