when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
