Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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