Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
