I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
