also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
