I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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