Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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