I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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