Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
