I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
