the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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