No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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