Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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