Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
