i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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