After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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