I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
