I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
