My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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