I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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