if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
