Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
