I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
