Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
