Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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