I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Randomize
