I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
