I haven't been this sober since birth.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It was confusing and full of hummus
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
