there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
