my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
