sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
