only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
