If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
