Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
