I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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