I hate all girls vehemently.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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