i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
